For a long time I’ve wanted to tackle one of the principal problems of egalitarian Christian marriages and that is the fact that someone has to be in charge or there will be chaos. You know. Dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria. SOMEONE must be in charge at all times or the marriage will fail.
Egalitarian Christian Marriage
So for the benefit of all mankind I’m going to break down this horrifically complex thing we call egalitarian Christian marriage. I feel morally obligated to answer this question as I’ve dealt with it on a daily basis for almost twenty years. Truly the future of the church and civilization hangs in the balance. (I’ve read that so many times online that I know it has to be true.) So I’m going to pull apart this incredibly complicated relationship step by step in the hope that at least a few brave souls will do the hard work of understanding the terrible difficulty my husband and I labor under every day as we shoulder the burden of living in an egalitarian Christian marriage.
Here it is.
Are you sure you are ready?
Are you sitting down?
There’s no going back. You cannot unsee this once you read it.
Are you sure?
Okay. Here it is.
I treat him with love, respect, empathy, and courtesy.
He treats me with love, respect, empathy, and courtesy.
There you go.
Egalitarian Marriage Roles
People, it is not complicated. In fact, so many times I’ve wanted to sit down and write about our egalitarian Christian marriage and I couldn’t come up with anything to say because it’s just so simple and obvious.
Yet I somehow felt compelled that I had to come up with some intricate detailed description about how we do it.
But it’s not complicated and I can’t even come up with a complicated explanation to somehow convince you it is “more godly” or “more biblical” because, well, you know. Everything from the Bible has to be complicated with charts and diagrams and umbrellas and references to the rapture.
This is it.
Christ is the head of our home.
I submit to Christ.
He submits to Christ.
We submit to Christ together.
We treat each other like adults.
We trust each other.
We strive to be trustworthy.
We give each other the benefit of the doubt.
We ask for forgiveness.
We forgive each other.
The person with the best skills, most insights and/or most willingness takes the lead in each area as needed.
When we disagree about something we talk about it and pray about it until we come to a decision we are both completely on board with.
That’s it.
What Does an Egalitarian Christian Marriage Look Like?
In twenty years together we’ve never had a decision where someone had to pull the trump card. Ever. Neither one of us has ever said, “I don’t care what you want. I’m doing this.” We simply don’t treat each other that way.
We’re best friends. Why would we want to treat our best friend with disrespect?
What makes any marriage complicated is selfishness. If a marriage is made up of people who want their own way, then you can call it whatever you want and it’s going to be unhealthy.
In an egalitarian marriage, though, the selfishness will be much more obvious because you’ve made a commitment to mutually submit to one another. There is no hiding behind roles. No way to subtly manipulate the other into thinking the “biblical” choice means doing this or acting like this.
So there you go. The horrific reality that David and I face every day in an egalitarian marriage. Loving each other. Respecting each other. Trying to be empathetic. Treating each other with courtesy as any emotionally healthy adults would do.
Now, you can’t unsee this. What will you do with it?
Being a Berean | Using Wisdom and Discernment Online
You nailed it! Great article loaded with spiritual truth. You described our marriage also – almost 39 years of egalitarian love, mutual respect, and mutual submission with my best friend. Nothing chaotic or hard about it. Let the haters hate LOL!
Nicely said. Sharing this. 🙂 Thanks.
Lovely, true, and funny. I’ve been married to my best friend for 37 years and I don’t think either of us has played the complementarian trump card, though we’ve probably tried. And as a side note, no wonder I can’t understand the Bible. I’ve not used an umbrella. Do you sit under it or what?
Thanks for a great blog.
Eugene,
That was a reference to this post and the idea of Umbrella of Protection some people push.
http://awomansfreedominchrist.com/the-umbrella-of-protection-ala-bill-gothard/
Hi Sallie,
This is great. This sounds like my marriage. In fact, even when Pete and I theoretically believed Pete was the leader of the home and marriage, in reality we treated each other with mutual love, respect, empathy, and courtesy, and mutual deference (i.e. submission).
We have always made decisions together, and lived as equal partners. But we no longer live with the delusion that my husband has more authority than me.
Thanks so much for writing this! I also answer this question all the time about my marriage. Sharing on my fb page 🙂
That’s what I been telling people for ages! For the first 15 yrs or so of our marriage, we acted as equals without thinking about it. Then someone at church tried to tell us we were doing it wrong. We set out to learn more about how to describe how we live. That was about the time that Christians for Biblical Equality was starting out, and we finally found some backing.
We’ve been married just a few weeks shy of 39 yrs while writing this. The only time we have had serious issues in our marriage was when my husband was going thru a rough spell, and he decided to identify and solve the problem on his own. We worked thru that very well. Now when people ask me how did we “do” all these years, my answer is, “We just love each other.” That’s really the bottom line. Of course, the Holy Spirit is who makes us able to do that. We think it is so much better than having a list of rules divided up by “plumbing” instead of our talents.
Love it! We use this same “complicated” practice in our parenting. My husband and I were both raised in an authoritarian “because I said so and Im in charge” household. What a mess. Provoked children, anger ruled, relationships devalued and the family collapsed…sadly.
Its so not complicated. Its beauty. Its the golden rule played out.
Last night we were talking about something we can’t figure out how to harmonize. I said, “I am going to trust your gut on this, because I have been so blessed when you have trusted mine.” That’s it. Submission isn’t scary. He submits to my gut, I submit to his…because we would like to be treated that way. Thanks again for putting yourself and your thoughts out here for those of us desperate to find we aren’t crazy, we aren’t alone and we aren’t ticking God off!
Just Me,
You’re very welcome and thank you for your great comment and example of how an egalitarian marriage works.
We apply a lot of these principles in our parenting as well. I’ve written there about why we changed our mind about spanking and so on.
Treating one another with respect and love extends not just between the husband and wife but also to the children.
Sallie
Hello..
After years of trying to defend myself against the onslaught of comments I still get from Complementarians, who are mostly my family members and even a few long-term friends – I have finally given up trying to get across my cleverly articulated arguments. It became obvious they had already made up their minds (as most folk invariably do) and so remain closed to any mere suggestion of an alternative view. Most comments addressed to me usually begin with: “The problem I have with the Egalitarian view” or more personally, ‘“the problem I have with you stubborn/deceived/rebellious!/feminist Egalitarians…” and I patiently listen, waiting for them to finish their rant and then I simply reply: “You are right. Its a problem you have, that only you can deal with and only you can overcome. I can help if you’re willing to listen, otherwise there are plenty of articles out there to do your own research.”
I will not explain myself to folk any longer!
I find your website a breath of fresh air… Thanks for sharing 🙂
Emma UK
Hi Emma,
Thank you so much for your comments. I apologize that it has taken me several days to respond.
I have to admit that I am worn out by all of it as well. In fact, I’ve seriously contemplated the past few weeks taking down this site. If I were to start a new blog called “A Woman’s Freedom in Christ” I would go about it differently. But these posts were written where I was at the time with what was going on around me both in my own life and the church in general.
I truly believe no one will ever be argued into the egalitarian view. It has to come from the prompting of the Holy Spirit. And, in most cases, it takes a long time to work through the issues. Years in many cases.
Thanks again for your comments!
Sallie